I am very touchy about the people in my life and with the sudden demise of amma, I cherish the remaining all the more... I already wrote about
my mom HERE
Kiddo (my bro) HERE
Now it is the turn of another man who means the most to me at the moment and I miss spending my time with him at the very end of his life.. yes, he is none other than my maternal grandfather, talking to whom reminds me of his better half, amma. He is very much fine as of now but we never know :((. I wake up at nights scared that something is wrong with his health suddenly and call him up the first thing in the morning to listen to his voice and assure myself that he is safe. When I am with him, I see him breathe when he is sleeping and want him to do that forever and ever.
I love him so dearly, much more so since he is alone and I feel guilty at times for having come so far for my own comfort ignoring him out there. I used to promise amma I will take care of him if something happened to her. I so wish I could be with him but being the practical person that he is, he wants me to be here and make a future for us and live happily.
He is 80 plus years old, very old, just like a ripe mango. One unique feature about him is his single tooth, yup.. he just has one tooth left and has refused adamently to get dentures fixed. It is a sight to watch him combing his hair or eating his food. One thing that I can give anything for is his toothless grin, with the one and only tooth shining through!!
Monditanaaniki maaru peru maa taatee.. He was diagnosed with heart disease around 10 years ago, complete 4-valve blockage, a severe condition.. on x-rays his heart is like a fully blown balloon ready to burst any time.. that was 10 years ago and is the same even today. He was advised a pacemaker and he plainly refused to have it done and took a promise not to waste a penny on his health or heart and yes, he is still surviving and he to me a walking miracle, like a glass doll. He used be a reckless and negligent guy in his youth, spoiled all the wealth he inherited in gambling, making movies, etc. and the children now are left with those memories of him abandoning them for years together to the mercy of relatives or to fend for themselves. With amma gone, he is all alone, no one to talk to, no one to go to.
There are 3 sons in the same village, but no one to take care of him. They say let him come to our house and eat.. what the hell, if you care enough, how can he walk all the way and even if he does, how can he bear the taunts of the DILs behind his son's back, just a curry once in a while or a hi and hello some time.. huhh!!! how can we be so heartless!!!! Agreed he has a couple of maids coming and cleaning and cooking for him but what they cook is a messy stuff :(((. I so wish I were there and keep him with me.
One thing I admire the most about him is his independence, even today he does not take a single penny from anyone, earns on his own, does the gardening, sells coconuts and bananas from his garden. For my attammas or mamayyas, it is a "paruvu takkuva pani" what the hell, anything and everything is fine unless you steal or kill some one. At this age, in his condition, he works in the garden, planting, watering, and creating water paths every single day and if he sells it what is wrong. I dont feel insulted to sit near him, neither do I ask him to stop that because I know he is happy doing that, happy looking at people who come and talk to him when buying the coconuts, feel satisfied that he is still working, feel good about him in general rather than stick to bed and just watch TV.
I am proud of him no matter what he does. I dont care what he did in his youth. All I see now is a man in a ripe old age, mourning his caring and loving wife, battling his health issues, not living on anyone's alms but his own hard-earned money. He is content with what he has, he wants to earn till his last breath, not take anything from anyone or go to the son's house and live like an unloved stray dog.
Love you tatayya and miss you sooooooo much. I love the way you scold me for calling ISD and wasting the money. I love the way you shout at me for having tears in my eyes when talking to you. I love the way you are for what you are and it breaks my heart when I see you wiping your tears looking at amma's pic. I know you know her value now a lot more than you used to but I also know that you more than made up for what you did in your youth by taking the best care of her in old age, that is being able to live in your own place and not depending on anyone thereby sparing from all the insults she had been having throughout her life. I am proud of you taatee and please please please continue to breathe... slowly, steadily, but for a little longer.. I will be broken without you beyond repair!!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Yup, all these days I have been extremely busy, sad, mad, happy, and had been through all the emotions.. yet another year passed by in my life without achieving anything. It no longer feels good to celebrate the birthday.. as they say, if I start lighting the exact number of candles, the cake will burn down even before I can blow them all :((.. need to write a lot about a lot of feelings, events, and things in general...
1. The Surname War.
2. My New E-Book Reader.
3. Temple of Peace and Calm.
4. Human emotions.
5. Charity/noble causes.
6. Coming to Terms.
8. Nature Versus Nurture.
9. To the point of no return.
10. Me and India.
11. On love and hate.
are a few of the things that I want to have a say about...
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Well this is what I would like to say to the media back home!!
It was just the other day, I was feeling sad about the news of death of Sobhan Babu and then I happened to see a few video clippings posted on the net commemorating his life and times and as a tribute had been listening to some of his songs and saw his movies as a token of respect to him.
What irritated me the most are the ones which show his cremation :((. Doing this to a person, who wished to stay away from the press and hulla gulla to keep his handsome image and face in memories of the audiences forever, it was a rude shock. How can they do this to him or to any one for that matter.. What the hell is wrong.. I am reminded of vultures who feed on the dead, it is just that these human vultures are way worse!!!
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Another Seetaraama Sastry Master Piece.
Jagamanta kutumbam naadi ekaaki jeevitam naadi
samsaara saagaram naadey sanyaasam soonyam naave
జగమంత కుటుంబం నాది ఏకాకి జీవితం నాది
సంసార సాగరం నాది, సన్యాసం సూన్యం నాది
The whole world is my family but I am a loner... well said.. it is you and you alone even the rest of the world is a family to you!!
"kavinai kavitanai, bhaaryanai bhartanai
mallela daarilo manchu edaarilo
panneeti jayageetaala kanneeti jalapaataala
naato nenu sangamistu naato nene ramistu
vantarinai anavaratam kantunnaanu nirantaram
kalalni kadhalni maatalni paatalni
rangulnee rangavallulanee kaavya kanyalni aada pillalani"
కవినై కవితనై, భార్యనై భర్తనై, మల్లెల దారిలో మంచు ఎడారిలో
పన్నీటి జయ గీతాల, కన్నీటి జలపాతాల, నాతొ నేనే సంగమిస్తు , నాలో నేనే రమిస్తూ..
వంటరినై అనవరతం కంటున్నాను నిరంతరం
కలల్ని, కధల్ని, మాటల్ని, పాటల్ని, రంగుల్ని, రంగ వల్లుల్ని , కావ్య కన్యల్ని, ఆడపిల్లల్ని
No one can simply give the gist of these lines in translation but if understood, they are gems!!
mintiki kantini nenai
kantanu mantanu nenai
mantala maatuna vennela nenai
vennela kuutala mantanu nenai
ravinai Sasinai divamai nisinai
naato nenu sahagamistuu naato nene ramistoo
vantarinai pratinimisham kantunnaanu nirantaram
kiranaalni kiranaala harinaalni harinaala charanaalni charanaala
chalanaana kanaraani gamyaala kaalaanni indra jaalaanni..
మింటికి కాంతిని నేనై, వెన్నెల కూతల మంటను నేనై,
రవినై, శశినై, దివమై, నిశినై
నాతొ నేను సహగమిస్తూ, నాలోనేనే రమిస్తూ
వంటరినై ప్రతి నిమిషం కంటున్నాను నిరంతరం
కిరణాల్ని కిరణాల, హరిణాల్ని, హరిణాల, చరణాల్ని, చరణాల
చలనాన కానరాని గమ్యాల కాలాన్ని, ఇంద్రజాలాన్ని
A really really touching song that brought tears to my eyes when I first saw it!!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I sometimes wonder if there is an end what we want at all. If we set some financial goal or personal goal, we work hard to achieve it, finally reach it, find satisfaction for a while and then reset our goals and start working on the new ones again.
This cycle seems to be never ending. There was a time when all I wanted was peace of mind and some job to take care of my needs and support my mom. Once that was done, it was about being the best and climbing up the corporate ladder and having a better life and treat amma and mom royally and restore the respect to our family yet again (relatives and society in general seems to think finance is the only way to gauge the level of respect one individual or a family gets. Unfortunate, but so true!!). Once it was done, it was the thirst to retain it and do even better. Looking back, I can gladly say that I have given everything my best shot and God has been more than kind to me in every mode of life.
Then came the need for an emotional anchor, that stable life support you tend to search in another individual and that craving to start a family of my own and lead an exemplary life. With some bumps on the road initially, managed to solidify our belief in each other and looking forward to a rosy life. Financially we are way better than we could have imagined back in India, the cribs about lack of understanding, blah blah gradually gave way to calm understanding and sense of acceptance, but still the race is on, don't know for what.. Agreed that working towards a goal is what is life all about but the quintessential question still looms over large in my mind.. "How much is too much???"
It is amazing how little changes and a bringing in a little discipline into life makes t refreshing all over. This past fortnight, I have not been working really well and looked like the 5-week zinx is catching up fast with my work. Last time too I had to resign after 5 weeks and this time, I had this terrible earache thanks to which I could not do my job. Gradually, once my earache got alright, the lazy bug caught me and I was way too reluctant to go back to the work life.. so yours truly decided to pull the strings back up, took a few steps to perform Satya Narayana Puja in the temple (long pending mokku, bribe or promise to God that I will perform it when I get my EAD and start the job). Me, being the superstitious soul that I am, attributed my lack of motivation as gentle reminder from God and set into action, so next month 19th is the scheduled date in Riverdale temple.
With that done and some changes made the arrangement of the house, I feel all energized and enthusiastic. I get bored seeing the same decor for a long time, need to change them a little to get that fresh feel.. Variety is the spice of life you see ;).. my saying this would lead OH to wonder if I would be changing him too.. so before you guys jump to the same conclusion, it is restricted just to the interior arrangement of furniture and nothing else..
With this, I worked real fast today and felt so fresh and active (I know it is all in the mind).. looks like the spring is having its impact on my moods :) gradually but certainly.
I want this enjoying work phase to last a lot longer so I take this "dishti chukka" from K's mom before some buri nazar happens ;).
Edited To Add:: The Kala Tika is from Dot's mom as acknowledged by K's Mom :).
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Phew, I kind of put some order to my posts by restricting the labels and categorizing them superficially, there are a lot more posts without labels but at least the ones that are labeled are in order.. long pending task..done :)).
Friday, March 21, 2008
"alochanala tuphanulo talladillina manasu"
When I saw Keerthi recount her wedding day, I am reminded of this post which I have been wanting to do for quite some time and just kept dilly-dallying and it finally sees the light of the day today.
My marriage to OH is a fusion of web-based, high-tech yet arranged and conventional one. It took us both 6 months to decide whether or not we want to take it further and lot of support and push from bro and buddies which led to our parents fixing it up for us just in 6 days!! Then the whirlwind engagement and OH's stamping and flight to US for on-site project, the 6-month "golden period" with 24x7 google chat, phone, webcam, etc. We got married on Dec 14, 2006, 6 months after the engagement when the OH flew down to fly me back to the other part of the world into supposedly our world together.
Even though there was 6-month gap and ample of time for prep and all, the chats and stuff along with the office work left me with loads of work done even towards the very end and no wonder me and OH were shopping up to 7 p.m. the day before the wedding, tired with no Henna appointments available at that nth hour, and excitement of new beginnings and sadness of not having amma near me at that very special moment in my life, I was nothing if not a total nut-case. All the relatives arrived and the prep continued full-fledged as the wedding was at the house itself.
I was a bundle of nerves, happy that I was going to be free from all the responsibilities that I had loaded myself with, happy to run away from the problems so far both imaginary and real, looking at the ideal world that we had created for ourselves during all our chat sessions, the ideal way of life, promising ourselves not to give in to emotions and egos like our elders did, a family of my own, me and the OH and on the other hand, terrified as to how I would cope up with the expectations from the other end, the fear that I might not be able to be the same independent and carefree individual that I was until that day, that nagging WHATIF feeling.
Me, mom, bro, and dad all of us slept in the same room, my room, one last time together as a family before I belong to someone else and go into the never-turn back land. No matter how much I tried, I could not get even a wink of sleep, the whole night was gone just like that with my entire life reeling in front of my eyes, the fear of the unknown and that feeling like I am being sucked into a whirlpool struggling to keep my head above and float and tears kept running down my eyes though my mind was blank as if my entire being was being washed out while I focused on my granny's pic on the wall and prayed for some peace and comfort...
The day comes and amidst the routine hungama, rush, petty issues, dhoom-dhamaka with loads of crackers, and the usual traditional rituals, we are pronounced a couple in front of thousands of invitees and my dear and near ones next to me and amma blessing me from somewhere above. Surprisingly, I cried loads coming from the maternal home which I had actually yearned to do just out of sheer frustration at times. All the garlands and attire and everything seemed to me like hand-cuffs and I suddenly felt like a prisoner trapped with no where to go, felt like a bird with wings cut off, felt like I was being shooed of my own house into some unknown dark valleys.. well, if I felt that getting married to someone I really loved, I shudder to imagine what if it were a typical arranged marriage :((
That day, I went to the inlaws place with Caps accompanying me for the first time as the DIL. As usual, me and Caps chatted deep into the night discussing my fears and future.. and as it had been nearly 48 hours since I slept, the sheer tiredness helped me drift into restless sleep with me looking forward to a new life with new hopes of togetherness and a nagging fear of unknown..
"Kotta Chiguru...jeevitamlo kotta adhyayam vaipu payanam"
The message, the voice, the wordings, the subject, the feel awesome!!
Me fultoos fida on the Ad Makers, simply in love with it.
My granny used to believe that when someone passes away, they will take some very dear people along with them, I guess that is the belief in villages.. "evaraina potey vaalla dinam lopu inkokarini teesukuni veltaru." I used to consider it one of the village tales but looking at the recent events in the industry specifically, the superstitious me has begun to have second thoughts about it too.
Raghuvaran, the first time I remember seeing him was in Siva and felt he was an unconventional good looking different negative role performer and Anjali cemented my being his fan for sheer versatility. I loved the way he dressed, his body language, his cracked voice, that expression in the pic above, his voice modulation, the seriousness he brought to whatever role he portrayed, everything. In fact, had a crush on him for a while, dunno how and when it set on and when it faded but it was there. On the personal front, however, his addiction, conflicts in marital life, etc. and maybe those in part were a reason for his early demise. Lesson learnt, keep away from addictive substances and live life king size!!
Soggadu, Andhra Andagadu as he is known as.. I will always have his wig, his dialogues, especially "normuy" in that very typical sobhan accent and style etched in my memories..His smile, his pan-cake makeup, the choice of his movies, his wise investments in personal life, concept of retirement at peak stage, peaceful and happy family life towards the very end of the life, an extremely well-lived life. Of late, I have been hearing a lot about this man, the way he is principled, disciplined and intelligent investor, etc. and unknowingly developed a deep sense of respect for him, something which I never had while he was working in the movies. He was just another matinee idol, my mom's favorite, ladies' man. Recently I have seen an interview by Jaya Prada and Jaya Sudha both of whom called him an angel and professional guy and this image further consolidated by what I heard from various sources. Me and the OH have been discussing about him for a while now and his death was a shocker of sorts. He was the only one as far as I know who has refused to succumb to stardom or give in completely to the filmdom. It was his job, 9 to 5 with weekly offs and adequate family time. Kala, Kalaaposhana laanti vaatiki dooramga it was his source of income, livelihood.. I liked this approach in him. People may call him selfish, miser, whatever but for me, "illu chakkadiddukuni jeevitamni oka paddatilo gadipina manishi" it was an exemplary life.
Ento adrushtavantulaki maatramey anta easy death vastundi antaru.. he just passed away within hours without being in pain for long.. he sure is one lucky man!!
May their souls rest in peace!!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Dharmecha, Arthecha, Kamecha, Mokshecha.. Naati Charaami!!
Righteously, financially, by desire, or spiritually, I will not walk away from her!!
Pelli mantrallo emi telisina teliyakapoyina Mangalyam Tantunamena Mama Jeevana Hetunaam okati paidokati matram baga mindlo naatukupoyina mantralu..
I remember the song chukkalu palikina Subhamantram picturized on Kanchana and Sobhan Babu.. anyways, back on track :).
When I did the post on Wo-Man and was cribbing that no rules for men, a dear friend of mine reminded me this one!!
Yup, Paru the rules are set for guys too.. thanks for reminding me that some exist for the guys too but sadly in one angle it portrays the woman to be dependent on the guy, whose responsibility is transferred from male to another.. father to the husband and then to the son finally.. but I surely wont crib as long the woman is taken care of :).
Edited To Add:
Right Keerthi, we are perfectly capable but I am talking about the ones who still unfortunately are not :).. I love it when you guys come up with points on what I write, thanks.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
sush, i've dedicated something for you. goto the below link and check out the 266th comment.
Click Here To See
Well, there have been so many precious gifts of love and care and concern from a lot of my buddies but this particular one is so unexpected and has taken me aback totally, am so touched... sniff, sniff, the senti me.. :).
Thank you Satish, this one is long pending!! Definitely, hum nahin chodenge!!
Sunday, March 09, 2008
"Karyeshu Daasi; Karaneshu mantri; rupecha lakshmi; kshamaya dharitri; bhojyeshu mata; sayaneshu rambha; shat dharmayukta kuladharmapatni"
This sloka from scriptures describes an ideal wife using the following 6 characteristics --
1. -- who acts like a servant maid to do household chores.
2. -- who acts like an able minister giving appropriate advice.
3. -- who looks like Goddess Mahalakshmi.
4. -- who is patience-personified like mother earth.
5. -- who showers affection like a mother and serves food.
6. -- who showers love on a man and please him.
While it symbolizes an ideal woman, whenever I listen to it I wonder if there is even a single guideline for a man.. I am not a feminist but it hurts me and I raise my voice way above the desired decibel level when I see people who treat their wives different than their mother and sister and the women who forget how it feels when we inflict pain on to another individual.. no big claims no great wishes.. treat us as just another human being nothing else!!
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
There is nothing in this world that can restrict you except yourself.. liberate yourself from your own binding thoughts and once you break free, everything seems so fresh and the fresh perspective that creeps in make you see things in a better light and enable you to be a better person..
Sirivennela Seeta Rama Sastry garu is a genius.. the way he plays with words to churn out the most inspiring stuff is amazing.. there is one song which I heard on Youtube after coming to US and when I am down and out and begin to think I have been through everything and cant take it any more any longer.. this gives me the courage to move on.. Dont ever accept defeat not just when you feel you are right but when you are actually right!!
Eppudu Oppukovaddura Otami..
Ennadu vadulukovaddura Orimi..
ఎప్పుడు ఒప్పుకోవద్దురా ఓటమి
ఎన్నడు వదులుకోవద్దుర ఓరిమి
Dont ever accept Failure.
Never ever leave your patience..
Visramincha Vaddu E kshanam..
Vismarincha vaddu nirnayam
appudey nee jayam nischayam.
విస్రమించ వద్దు ఎ క్షణం
అప్పుడే నీ జయం నిశ్చయం
Dont ever rest for a moment
Never ever forget your decision
.. and then is when will find your success for sure.
Ningi enta peddadaina rivvumanna guvva pilla rekka mundu takkuvenura..
Sandramenta goppadaina eedutunna chepa pilla moppa mundu chinnadenura
నింగి ఎంత పెద్దదైన రివ్వుమన్న గువ్వ పిల్ల రెక్క ముందు తక్కువేనురా
సంద్రమెంత గొప్పదైన ఈదుతున్న చేప పిల్ల మొప్ప ముందు చిన్నదేనురా
However big the sky might be, it has to bow down to a small bird's wings when it takes its flight and soars high..
However huge the ocean might be, it is has to give way to a tiny fish's fin..
Paschimana ponchi unna ravini mingu asura sandhya okka naadu neggaledura..
gutakapadani aggi unda saagaralaneedukuntu toorupinta telutundira..
పశ్చిమాన పొంచి ఉన్న రవిని మింగు అసుర సంధ్య ఒక్క నాడు నేగ్గలేడుర
గుటక పడని అగ్గి ఉండ సాగారలనీదుకుంటూ తూరుపింత తెలుతుందిరా
The darkness waiting in the west cannot eat up the brightness of the sun.. even when it does, the sun rises again in the east next day swimming across the oceans..
ragulutunna gundey kooda suryagola mantidenura..
రగులుతున్న గుండె కూడ సూర్యగోలమన్టిదేనురా
How long can it remain dark..
Can any one stop the early morning light rays the sun brings with it..
A heart with a burning desire is similar to a burning sun..
Noppileni nimushamedi jananamaina maranamaina jeevithana adugu aduguna..
Neerasinchi nilichipote nimushamaina needi kaadu.. brathuku antey nitya gharshana..
నొప్పిలేని నిమిషమేది జననమైన మరణమైన జీవితాన అడుగు అడుగున
నీరసించి నిలిచిపోతే నిమిషమైన నీది కాదు బ్రతుకు అంటీ నిత్య ఘర్షణ
There is never a moment in life without pain, be it birth or death..
If you are tired and give up, not even a single minute is yours..
life is a constant struggle.
Dehamundi Dhairyamundi netturundi sattuvundi intakantey sainyamunduna..
aasa neeku asthra maunu, swaasa neeku sastramaunu asayammu saarathaunu ra..
Nirantaram prayatnamunnada, nirasake nirasa puttada..
దేహముంది ధైర్యముంది నెత్తురుంది సత్తువుంది ఇంతకంతేయ్ సైన్యముందున
ఆశ నీకు అస్త్రమౌను, శ్వాస నీకు సస్త్రమౌను ఆసయమ్ము సారదౌనురా
నిరంతరం ప్రయత్నమున్నదా నిరాసకే నిరాశ పుట్టదా
You have the body, the soul, the courage, the flesh, the blood.. where can one get a better army than this..
With hope for life as your weapon and your goal as a guide, even despair will be despaired if you put in your constant efforts.
.. and the punch line being
aayuvantu unna varuku chaavu kooda neggaleka Savamu painey gelupu chaatura..
ఆయువంటు ఉన్నవరుకు చావుకూడ నేగ్గలేక శవముపైనే గెలుపు చాటురా
I will never be able to put this last part or even the whole of it across exactly as the author meant, if you understand Telugu, this song is one of its kind!!